Do we need a “day of love”?!
Let’s talk about love
You might say that there is no need for a specific date to celebrate love, but do we ever take the time to think what love really means? There are many kinds of love and the word itself contains within it so many facets, and so many beliefs…It’s true, we are commanded to love all year round (the mitzvah of loving G-d and “love your neighbor” and more…). Let’s take a moment to focus on the day that turned out to be Jewish Valentines’ Day.
How did Tu B’Av (15th of Av) become associated with love?
There are some special dates in our Jewish calendar that bring a particular light into the world and have done so throughout the ages. Tu B’Av is one such day (Wednesday 5/08/2020) and our Sages even declared (in the Talmud, tractate Taanit [“fasting” in Hebrew]), “There were no days of joy in Israel greater than the 15th of Av and Yom Kippur” (Talmud, tractate Taanit [“fasting” in Hebrew]), which is a surprising statement, to say the least. We all know the significance of Yom Kippur, and the three Pilgrimage Festivals, so how come Tu B’Av is described as such a joyful occasion?
Our sages explain by listing several examples of good things that happened on this date. The Children of Israel no longer died on 9th of Av (the punishment for the Sin of the Spies); the people could again make the pilgrimage to Jerusalem after the ruling of Jeroboam Ben Navat; the preparation of wood for the Temple worship was finished; the tribes were allowed to intermarry, and the tribe of Binyamin were forgiven their sin and allowed to marry members of the other tribes again. These last two events are the reason we associate this date with Love.
And yet it remains baffling. Does this justify the significance attributed by our sages?
The light that follows darkness
Sometimes, and we can attest to this from life experience, the importance of an event is influenced by what preceded it. Just like a meal after a fast is nothing like just a regular meal, so all these events listed above were not only positive on their own account, but mostly because of what came before them. And let us not forget the 9th of Av, the disastrous date right before that full moon of the 15th.
The Lubavitcher Rebbe emphasizes again and again that the light that stems from darkness is deeper than the light not proceeding darkness. Deeper darkness means greater light!
We have something to learn from the moon. When we look at it simply, it does seem to wax, wane, disappear, and return again! But we all know the moon doesn’t really change. It’s permanently full and round.
Filled with faith, we can look at the phases we go through in life and know that everything is always for the best. Sometimes it is easier to see it, sometimes less so. Surely seeing the light again after a dark period is always more uplifting. So too, we also understand why the discussion about the joyful days of Israel appears at the end of the Talmud’s discussion of fasting.
Love from a Chassidic viewpoint
Let’s get back to love. The Zohar (the main text of Kabbalah) says “No work is harder than the work of love”. This statement is a little hard to embrace, considering current views about how love ‘just happens’, comes and goes easily, how one either loves or he doesn’t. Right? Chassidism tells a different story. Love is an essential part of one’s inner work; it can change, develop, grow. We can feel, for example, that when we love ourselves, it becomes easier to love the other. When we see the good in ourselves, suddenly the other isn’t too bad either. Our relationship with the outside world is dependent on our willingness to invest in our inner world.
Giving is also an essential part of our essence, as long as it is a real, free-from-interest, selfless, unconditional kind of giving. The Talmud teaches that on Tu B’Av, the unmarried women of Jerusalem used to wear beautiful white clothes and go dance in the vineyards. And the bachelors would come to pick a shidduch (a suitable match).
But what about the women who were less well-off?
A tradition started
Each woman borrowed clothes from another of a higher social rank, and so the economic differences were masked.
We learn a few things from this. Firstly, the importance of loving every Jew and the willingness to give something of mine so that another’s situation improves. Surely each woman would have celebrated her good fortune and how it might help her own shidduch! However, she was happy to share with another.
Secondly, we learn about the couple itself. The bachelors, after all, couldn’t really know the true social status of the women and so this serves as a wakeup call. Pay attention to what really matters. A shidduch is about the bigger picture, building a home that will survive the turbulence of time and life.
If we focus only on the appearance of things, we might find ourselves in a constantly changing reality, unable to see the underlying, constant truth. Love and passion are essential for building a relationship, no doubt, but Tu B’Av teaches us how much power we have to awaken those feelings, shows us how to surpass the darker moments when we see beyond the externals, and demonstrates how important it is to give.
Love isn’t only a decree from above. It greatly depends on our eagerness to build a relationship, and our willingness to do the inner work required in order to continue the abundant flow of love through us.